Late Breaking Gossip!
Happy 4th of July, everybody! On this most patriotic of days, I encourage you all to think about the sacrifices made by our forefathers. Sacrifices that allow a guy like me to write freely about breasts without the King of England coming into my home and teabagging me, if I recall my history lessons. So, on that note, USA! Catch you guys on Monday. P.S. Bring a musket.Photos: Pacific Coast News
Paris Hilton thought up a TV show that will undoubtedly make me pay random strangers to throw an axe at my face. It's basically The View but hosted by famous celebrities who will address such topics as the paparazzi, career management and, most importantly, girl talk! At last, a show that tackles battling herpes while finding the perfect purse. Never stop dreaming, folks. The Chicago Sun Times reports:Just imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Tori Spelling -- as well as [Denise] Richards, Hilton and her former ''The Simple Life'' co-star, Nicole Richie -- together in one big two-hour special sharing ''their side'' of what it's like to be them.
In the future, historians wearing jet packs will point to this show's inception as the apex of civilization's decline. But then they'll find themselves addicted to the catty chatter ultimately dooming their own space-age utopia. Don't believe me? Just spend a good 30 seconds imagining Britney Spears' commentary on, shit, anything. If within the first 10 you don't shove your face in the oven, congratulations, you're a robot. Now fix me a drink, tinny!
That concept alone reportedly has intrigued a couple of cable channels initially contacted about the concept: Bravo and Lifetime.Photos: Pacific Coast News
These are pics of Italian actress/model Elisabetta Canalis wearing a bikini on the set of her latest movie. You may remember her from Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, or some crazy YouTube video where her breast keeps falling out on Italian television. Somebody get this woman an Oscar. No, make that all the Oscar. NOTE: Aforementioned NSFW video after the jump. It may be in Italian, but it speaks the international language of "Holy shit, that's a boob." Mamma mia!Photos: Splash News
Britney Spears, seen here with her bodyguard, is secretly back at it with Adnan Ghalib. But this time Britney is pulling some James Bond action and using her vagina (It shoots darts.) to get back a sex tape Adnan made with her, according to the Daily Mail:But sources claim the two haven't got back together for purely romantic reasons - Britney is apparently terrified Adnan has an explicit video of her during the couple's brief trip to Mexico in January.
I can't really envision Britney Spears as the stealth espionage type. I can just see her trying to sneak around Adnan's house, but then she knocks over the fridge and stumbles through a wall. And that's just looking for a cookie. A hidden sex tape? Jesus. Adnan might as well have banged a wrecking ball then let it loose in his living room. Not that he hasn't before, but I'm just sayin'.
'Britney's really scared that Adnan has a sex tape,' an insider tells MailOnline. 'She wants to get it out of his hands.'Photos: Flynet
These are pictures of High School Musical's Ashley Tisdale spending her birthday in Hawaii. If you have no idea who she is, please, switch lives with me. In the meantime, I guess she's hot - sort of. I dunno. Hold on, my penis just wrote me a note: "I quit." Dude! What about the memories we've had together? Like all those time I'd think inanimate objects were really a woman: The coffeemaker, the book shelf, Suzanne Somers...Photos: Splash News
I've never seen Keanu so Keanu-y. In trying to take on the role of an alien, he's somehow become an exaggerated, even more lifeless version of himself, and it's very, very strange to behold. If standard Keanu was the final boss of a video game, this trailer's Keanu is like the super powerful, insanely difficult version that emerges after you beat the normal one. Keanu but more so, and all without even uttering a "whoa."
Continue Reading "'Day the Earth Stood Still' Trailer is Incredibly Keanu-y"
Megan Fox is single. I should just quit right now because I'll never report anything than can top this slice of awesome. (Unless Hayden Panettiere decides she hates clothes but loves bloggers.) Anyway, according to the latest issue of Star, Megan has called off her engagement to Brian Austin Green because she's too young for a commitment:Sources claim the 22 year-old sent business associates correspondence last week telling them the sad news.
True, Megan does have her whole life ahead of her. But I like to believe she woke up one morning, looked beside her then immediately panicked: "Where am I? Brian Austin Green!? Eww! EWW!" Brian, realizing the jig was up, tried to neutralize the situation: "Shh. Shh. You're okay. Can I interest you in a mixed drink?" When that didn't work, he frantically phoned Ian Ziering: "Dude, she's onto us. I dunno how, but we're toast. Call Priestley; have him fire up the jet. No, we're not bringing Dustin Diamond. Fuck that guy."
An insider says: "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realizes she's too young to marry him."Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News
Alex "A-Rod" Rodriquez and his wife Cynthia (above) are officially separated, according to NY Daily News. Coming off the heels of rumors that A-Rod is having an affair with Madonna, the New York Post is also reporting Cynthia was getting her own piece of strange. And, hey, what do you know? It's freaking Lenny Kravitz:
Cynthia Rodriguez, 34, has been in Paris for at least the past four days visiting Grammy-winner Kravitz. C-Rod was seen outside the 44-year-old Kravitz's pad in the romantic City of Light as recently as Tuesday night. Meanwhile, A-Rod has been in New York with the Bronx Bombers.
Aww, that's nice. While Mommy and Daddy are banging the celebrities of yesteryear, the kids are left with a nanny in Miami. Then again, if my dad abandoned us to nail someone famous, I'd probably understand. Except when he actually did, and it was Mrs. Butterworth's. We had to go on food stamps, you sweet maple homewrecker! Thanks to Merrelyn for the pic that proves A-Rod hates his penis if he chose Madonna over that. Maybe wear a helmet in the batting cages next time, champ.
The couple's two daughters - 3-year-old Natasha and 2-month-old Ella - remained in Miami, sources said.
One of the more humorous elements of my job (besides Spencer Pratt's face) is when reality shows are reported as if the shit happening on them is real. In this case, Kristy Morgan (above) who "won" this season's A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila but turned down Tila on the finale. People caught up with Kristy to find out why she chose not to date a fake bisexual. It's called a script, folks:?I really went with what my heart said,? Morgan said. ?Sometimes you date people, and then it?s not always the happy ending.? Morgan, who is bisexual, said she was ?emotionally unstable? living away from friends and family and in a house full of lesbians and straight men. ?It helped me learn what type of woman I want to be, [but] I started to emotionally break down,? she said.
Meanwhile, Tila Tequila is feigning rage on her website and unleashed some angry leprechaun poetry while telling MTV where to dump the pile of cash for a third season:Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Wow. That's quite a verbose entry for someone who has to hop from key to key.
Can't wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy.....fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can't deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.
Smile on my face, the loving embrace....but instead I'll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming....I let you touch me....now that it's over bitch....You better start running.
Pent up inside....telling these lies....this has gone too far.....the world will soon die.
Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile....brings another day!
Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I'm back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.Photos: INFdaily.com
Jessica Simpson's breasts have been recognized as the best in Hollywood by InTouch Weekly. Surprisingly, I wasn't consulted but I'm going to let the ruling stand because, well, boobs. Here's their Top 10 list for your perusal. WARNING: It's full of WTF?:1. Jessica Simpson
I'll let you guys debate the inclusion of some of the ladies on this list. I mean, Jennifer Aniston? We're talking about breasts here not permanent nipple hardage for Chrissakes. This is what happens, InTouch, when you leave me out of the vetting process. I bet you didn't even judge the candidates in a hot tub full of Jell-O, did you? Of course not. Dammit, does no one believe in science anymore? What a sad state of affairs. I blame video games. NOTE:Added a photo montage of Jessica Simpson's breasts over the past year along with her video for "These Boots Are Made for Walking" after the jump. You know, the one where she washes the General Lee in a bikini in the greatest act of patriotism since the time I threw an American flag at a French Fry this morning.
2. Tyra Banks
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Carmen Electra
5. Lindsay Lohan
6. Katherine Heigl
7. Audrina Patridge
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Megan Fox
10. Beyoncé KnowlesPhotos: Bauer-Griffin, Flynet
Ashley Kaufmann, or may or may not be the fruit of Michael Lohan's loins, is already angling for a record contract, according to MSNBC:
A record-industry insider says, ?Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.?
It should be noted the "Lohan family source" was Michael Lohan wearing a pair of those glasses with the fake nose and moustache. He almost got away with it until he went a tad overboard: "Michael should also get his own reality show. You know something wholesome yet empowering. I'm thinking 'Michael Lohan's A Father's Journey: One Man's Eternal Struggle with That Bitch-whore Ex-Wife of His Who Can't Shut Her Freakin' Booze-Hole Unless there's a Cock in It. Even then.'" Coming this Fall to ABC Family. Thanks to James who has more talent in his breakfast cereal than these jokers.
A Lohan family source adds, ?Ashley?s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.?Photo: OK! Magazine
Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong had dinner yesterday with Kate's mom Goldie Hawn which must've made Owen Wilson all kinds of jealous. He never got to meet Goldie! This blows. Why is everyone always walking out on him? Fortunately, there's always good, old reliable heroi- Hey! Mr. Syringe, why're you putting on your top hat and monocle? "Sorry, Owen, but I think we should see other people." Awwwww.Photos: Flynet, Splash News
Amy Winehouse should be transported around Hannibal Lecter-style. Last night, while walking to her house with her dad, she decided to flip her chips and run out into traffic. From there, Amy approached a convertible, asked for a lift then crawled all over the body of what looks like a sweet ride. She disappeared for about an hour only to return and run straight into her house. In related news, London crack sales skyrocketed yesterday...Photos: Bauer-Griffin
Madonna and Guy Ritchie went out for dinner last night and were spotted holding hands. Because that looks perfectly natural within the confines of a marriage. Jesus. This couldn't look anymore staged if they were wearing "His" and "Her's" T-shirts while paddling a canoe. Heidi and Spencer just looked at these pics and went "Pfft. Amateurs." Then finished putting on their Uncle Sam and Slutty Betsy Ross outfits. (You know it's coming.)Photos: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News
Ashlee Simpson ventured out in public last night and displayed her expanding mammaries. Somewhere Joe Simpson just tipped backwards in his chair yelling "Yippee!" That said, I'm glad to see Ashlee's doing well. You know what I hear is awesome for prenatal development? Topless wrestling with your older sister. I'm pretty sure I read that in a book somewhere. Okay, maybe it was more like a couple of piece of papers I made a flipbook out of. Ooh, wait, shut up. This is the part where Batman shows up to referee. "Fight fair," he says. BOOOOO! KILL THE REF! Preferably with a nipple!Photos: Flynet
